Tuesday, 6 June 2017


I had a dream the other night that really upset me. I dreamt I was trying to walk down a set of stairs and had managed to get only half way down. They were steep steps and were located in a large office / shopping centre. I was upset because I was stuck . I couldn't go back up and I couldn't carry on down. The space too big and I could see everything on both side of the stairs too.This made me feel really dizzy.  The other thing that really upset me about the dream was I realised I was being watched by people who work at the benefits agency . It was part of an assessment to see if I could do it, or was i lying and making it up. What wound me up was that I wasn’t sure if they actually believed me. I mean, anyone could fake feeling dizzy and stop halfway down a set of steps and just say “I feel dizzy”.  So how could I convince them I was honestly struggling to get down them.
I woke up not long after that but the dream left me feeling so low and down for the rest of the day I just couldn't concentrate. I felt sick to the pit of my stomach.
I’ve been to have a benefit assessment recently. And I can promise you it wasn't fun or dignified. I was made to feel like I had to prove I was telling the truth and somehow I had to convince the health professional how my balance condition affects me and how it differs from day to day. The worst thing was my husband had to take me to Nottingham to have the assessment in the first place. I couldn't have an assessment in my own city because the benefits agency don't have offices in Leicester that are situated on the ground floor. So, if I used the lift and needed to get out in case of a fire, I wouldn't be able to use the lift. Yes seriously this is how they work. So someone who's ill/ has a condition or is disabled or might not have anyone to take them to a different city further afield would struggle. I was told I could make a complaint, given an address to write to. Seriously who , when there not well and made to feel like a burden and a liar has got the energy to make a complaint. I certainly didn't. But it's not right!
I wrote the last paragraph  a while back , since then the “system” has not failed to disappoint the bad impression I've got of them. I wrote the last paragraph a while back .After my assessment I received a call , saying I didn't qualify for the benefit I'd applied for because the person who'd assessed me hadn't scored me high enough points in certain questions of our meeting. Luckily the gentlemen on the phone asked me some more questions about things I can and can't do and was able to award me enough points to qualify for the benefit I was already receiving. That was the good news. The bad news - I'd have to go to the job centre and have one to one meetings with an advisor about looking for work. “But …… hang on . I already have a job !!. I'm just not well enough to go to work” I said. Unfortunately the way the system works means I still have to go to these monthly meetings in order to receive my benefit. Well – this makes sense. NOT!!!!!!!!
My first meeting with my advisor was an interesting one. I still asked why I needed to be there when I already have a job. The woman couldn't really answer my question except to say that many people need the support and advice in order to get a job. She asked if I'd considered voluntary work. Maybe that was an option she said. I said,  I couldn't guarantee I would be well enough at the moment ,to do that and if I was well enough to do voluntary work then surely I'd just go back to work. To the job I already have!!!!!! You get the gist of how the rest of the meeting went. And obviously can't wait to go back there again!
 So much has happened since my last post, most of which I can't remember. I've had a tooth out due to an ongoing problem that lasted about a year. It got infected so I've been trying to rid the infection and also the horrid headaches I've had as a result along with the dizziness being worse. I've joined a Facebook group that lovely Alison (from a previous post) suggested and it's been great to have a rant on there every so often. It's great for interacting with others who have a balance condition.
I've seen my vestibular physio again and had a rant at her. ( sometimes you just need to rant) . I've been meditating a bit more and practicing Mindfulness. Just a bit more than I would but not everyday.
I've been investigating taking Magnesium and vitamin B2 supplements for Migraines.
Ive been talking to a lovely lady called Hilary , who's been really supportive and Skyping me now and again with advice and her extensive knowledge on Balance conditions. And useful sites she suggested.  Check out the Meniere’s website. It's a wealth of information. www.menieres.org.uk  Also try www.vestibular.org.
I'm hoping to get a chat with a counsellor about how to deal with the stress and anxiety of a balance conditions in the next few weeks so watch this space.
In the meantime I've been busying  myself with my chatty women too. A feature I used to do on my radio programme. As I'm not back at work yet I've been doing them at home. So if you fancy watching women sharing their opinions on love , life and the universe, have a look at my YouTube channel Rupal Rajani
As always leave comments below or find me on Twitter @rupalr

1 comment:

  1. May you always be surrounded by the love and light you show to others, so that you may never feel alone or helpless! May something good come from this testing time you are going through. I have no doubt, whether you completely recover from this or not, that you will continue to achieve great things and influence people in positive ways. You are an inspiration! Wishing you success in everything you do